How I’d get hurt in the Winter Olympics
How I’d get hurt in the Winter Olympics
Each sport injures in its own way
I am a moderately athletic person. My wife will scoff when she sees this, but it’s true. I can catch and throw and run and stuff. You’d pick me 3rd or 4th for slow-pitch softball or ultimate frisbee, and wouldn’t regret it.
But I’d definitely get injured in the Winter Olympics.
Not in speedskating. The skates look funky, but I’ve skated before, and could make it around the track a few times without falling.
Everything else would leave me the worse for wear. Here’s how:
1 — Ski jumping
Come on. I’d probably fall on my way down the track. If not, I’d lose that Flying V, panic, and give new meaning to “stick the landing.”
2 — Short-track speedskating
Sprained wrist from trying too hard to look cool and put my hand down on the curve, even though I’m not going that fast.
3 — Downhill skiing
Fall down mountain.
4 — Super-G
Super fall down mountain.
5 — Moguls
Just watching people bump-bump-bump down the hill hurts my knees.
6 — Skeleton/Luge
Putting these together because they both feature crazy people rocketing down an icy track on a sled. The only difference is whether my collision with the wall breaks my ankles or gives me a concussion.
7 — Bobsled
You’d think this would be the safest, because a teammate would steer and I can handle hopping in. But there are only so many Cool Runnings references you can make before someone starts punching.
8 — Hockey
Illegal checking. Bergström. Two minutes.
9 — Curling
Back and/or elbow soreness from vigorous sweeping, plus a pulled groin as I lunge to throw a stone.
10 — Snowboarding
Under-rotate a backside triple-cork 1620 on my third run in an ultimately unsuccessful attempt to catch the leader.
Ha! Just kidding. I’d probably faceplant getting into the pipe.
11 — Figure skating
Believe it or not, I skated competitively as a kid. Landed all the single jumps. Even got a gold medal once. The other guy — boy’s figure skating wasn’t the most popular sport in middle school — got the bronze. Not kidding. You had to cross a point threshold for each medal.
Sure, that was a while ago, but I think I can get it back if I practice. But it’s the Olympics! Singles aren’t good enough.
I end up falling trying to squeeze out a double salchow.
12 — Pairs figure skating/ice dancing
I’m getting cut. Either inadvertently on a lift, or deliberately if I drop her.
13 — Biathlon
Accidentally wander in front of target.
14 — Cross-country skiing
Exhaustion. Then frostbite.
